Grief is fucking hard. It has knocked me sideways and left me feeling like I don’t know who I am or how to cope.
Grief doesn’t care if it’s inappropriate to cry regularly at work or whether I would like to not be feeling these feelings. And so I resist which makes it worse. If I could just sink into it, let it feel it’s way through my body, mind, emotions and my life, maybe it wouldn’t feel so strong. But along with grief, I feel fear. I am scared I will always feel this way. I’m scared my chest will always feel tight or that I’ll cry every day for the rest of my life. I know this will change; it has to, but right now I’m in the thick of it, I’m in the dark and I can’t see the light yet.
I keep thinking: something in my life needs to change. I feel like I can’t find space to feel the grief because I’m always commuting or working or just DOING and where is my time to be and to feel? I am tired and I need time to rest and breathe and heal. Modern life doesn’t allow this I think. Or at least the life I’ve created.
I don’t feel like myself and yet, I’m exactly myself. Myself in grief. There’s a part of me now that isn’t the same as it was before and never can be. But that’s a natural part of the process, right? If these things don’t change us then what have we learnt?
What I’m learning is: let go. Don’t be afraid to fall. You are safe. And you will survive.